I am writing this on the morning of Friday 30^th September with tears in my eyes, You see we’ve lost another bean and to suffer one miscarriage is devastating but two in the same year is awful and the reality that next year there will now be two dates in which to mourn what could have been.

We didn’t tell anyone this time that we were expecting perhaps anticipating the potential heartbreak that was ahead.  When the doctor and nurse congratulate you, you want to say wait a minute not yet wait for the 12 weeks. When you get invited to a group session for parents expecting you want to say please I can’t not until I’m sure.

The change that you feel inside both mentally and physically is huge.

We’re staying at my parents’ house at the moment and as they don’t know losing yesterday was very very hard as I couldn’t say anything. My daughter knew and she had her arms around me and looked after me but obviously the other children didn’t know why their mum was crying and so sad. All I wanted to do was be in my husband’s arms but yay he has his new job and was at work so at least we have a small glimmer of good news.

I am off to see the girls today to have our meet up chai tea latte but I wonder how I’ll get through it, all I really want to do is go home and go to bed and cry (oh and eat lots and lots of chocolate).

We are also off to stay in the Travelodge tonight so that we can see hubbys kids but unfortunately she of greater power has decided we now can’t see them so all round it’s been a rubbish week/weekend so far and it hasn’t really begun yet.

They say behind every cloud there’s a silver lining, here’s hoping.